


all the good girls go to hell

by laughingstock (Laughingstock_16)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Mentioned Isaac Lahey, Mentioned Lydia Martin, Mentioned Stiles Stilinski, Outing, Therapy, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, kind of a mess of a fic, kinda angsty, not edited, not kind of. he IS a bitch, original male character is kind of a bitch, people are homophobic little asswipes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:09:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27311686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laughingstock_16/pseuds/laughingstock
Summary: Growing up in a homophobic area, Malia Tate was always told the being gay was a horrible sin. So she hid her true self from the world. And of course, everything goes wrong.TRIGGER WARNING: THERE WILL BE HOMOPHOBIC THOUGHTS (BOTH INTERNALIZED AND DIRECTED AT THE MAIN CHARACTER). Please read at your own risk. (While there aren’t any slurs specifically written, it is implied that the main character gets called them.)
Kudos: 1





	all the good girls go to hell

**Author's Note:**

> Partly inspired by the song by Billie Eilish and partly inspired by my own internalized homophobia and my ongoing struggle to figure out what exactly my sexuality is.

It’s not like Malia was homophobic. She didn’t care that Stiles was bisexual. Or that Kira was pan. Or that Isaac was aroace.

There was a darker fear threatening to consume her and it’s cold, suffocating, and she was so very ashamed of it.

She didn’t tell her friends, but part of the reason why her family moved to Beacon Hills was because of her. It was her fault that she was different. Her fault that she was an easy target and was bullied and harassed endlessly.

But, of course, there had to be a reason why this happened. Why everything went wrong. And it was completely her fault.

She always knew she was “off” in some way or another. While the girls in middle school were talking about dating boys and first kisses with them, Malia’s mind was somewhere else. Looking back on it, she didn’t know that there was an option other than boys.

Growing up in a fairly conservative area, Malia was told multiple times that gay was a bad word.  _ Don’t say it or else you’re going to go to a bad place. _ Her teachers repeated over and over.  _ Marriage is between a man and a woman! _ Signs read from all over her town. Rainbows were taken away, thrown in the trash and burned. She couldn’t even have a Rainbow Dash pony because it was “evil”.

So she shoved her thoughts into the back of her head and distracted herself with a boy that she didn’t love.

Brent was not a good person. Malia knew that. He drank too much, partied too hard, studied too little. But he seemed like he was interested in her. And suddenly, they were dating.

One night, two months after they met, Brent took her to a party with flashing lights and deafening music that rumbled through her bones. She found some sort of magical drink that made her muscles relax and her thoughts lighter. She felt like she was in a dream, felt like she could do anything. So she went up to the boy, the alcohol like liquid confidence blazing in her veins.

Who knew that four innocent words would completely and utterly shatter her future?

_ “I think I’m asexual.”  _ The words had slipped out of her mouth, out of her control and before she could reel her thoughts in, it was too late. The damage was done.

There was no doubt that her ex-boyfriend was the one who outed her.

_ Malia’s asexual? What does that even mean?  _ The hallways whispered the next Monday.  _ Poor Brent, having to deal with a bitch like her.  _ At best, her classmates would ignore her or stare at her from a distance. At the worst, they sneered at her, called her slurs, whispered to their friends about how she was a horrible person that was going to go to hell. The kids at her high school, the same ones who used to invite her to birthday parties in elementary and middle school, the ones who she poured out her soul to, took her and ripped her apart like a pack of savage wolves.

Miraculously, her parents got a job in Beacon Hills, California and finally, for the first time, she allowed herself to feel a little bit of hope.

California was strange. There were rainbow flags everywhere. People weren’t afraid to casually mention their sexuality. And she was surprised to find that not only were there was gay and straight people, but also so many different things in between.

She met Stiles, who likes both boys and girls, even though he has a girlfriend, Lydia.

She found Kira, a girl who doesn’t care what gender a person is, as long as they had a nice personality.

And Isaac was neither of them. He explained that he didn’t like anyone romantically, just like Malia.

But there was still something missing. Malia thought she was asexual, but what if she was wrong?

Every time a pretty girl walked by, and she caught herself staring, she felt a horrible pang of guilt.

_ Stop it. _ She would tell herself.  _ You’re asexual, the same as Isaac. You don’t get to look at girls like that. _

Sometimes she didn’t know if it was her own voice or someone else’s telling her that it was wrong to have those thoughts, so naturally, she spoke with  **The Oracle** .

Kira, AKA  **The Oracle** , deemed by Stiles, said while it wasn’t normal to have those kinds of thoughts, it was definitely common among kids and teens growing up in homophobic areas. Then, she suggested seeing a therapist, which Malia wrinkled her nose at.

Somehow, a week later, she was standing outside the door of the school therapist, Ms. Morrell.

_ “Hi Malia, come on in.” _ She said in her soft voice, and that was the start of it.

Malia never talked to anyone about her problems before. She found herself holding back unconsciously, worrying that the counselor would betray her, even though she legally wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about the meeting.

There was something about Ms. Morrell that calmed Malia and infuriated her at the same time. She would tell the girl that it was okay to feel those things, but she would also ask her to open up and let her “take a walk around her head”.

Malia was never one to voice her thoughts and emotions. Growing up, she knew that if she said something at the wrong time, it would earn her a sharp glare or a stinging slap of disapproving words.

So she kept quiet and beat down the thoughts in her head.

Ms. Morrell coaxed her opinions and chaotic thoughts out of her head one by one.

And somehow, in some way, she gradually learned to accept herself.

One day, many months after she started going to therapy, Malia woke up thinking  _ I like girls _ . And she didn’t want to rip out her hair, or punch a wall out of frustration and guilt.

Maybe it’s okay to like girls. And maybe, one day, Malia can learn to forgive herself.

**Author's Note:**

> Trying out a new style of writing, let me know what you think!
> 
> Also, this isn't edited or beta'd or whatever. I literally just sat down and wrote it in one go. Putting characters in my experiences has helped me cope or feel like I have something in common with them before, so why not do it again? Except this time, I'm actually going to publish my thoughts.


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